By Abby, whose mom died suddenly in March 2020
1. I didn't really know my mom as a person. After my mom died, I learned things about her that she never shared with me. For example, I knew that my mom enjoyed scuba diving back in the day, but what I didn't know was that she was a badass divemaster. I wish she would've told me more stories about when she was younger so I could've known her better on a personal level. I also wish she would've told me how she coped when her mother died so I would have some sort of idea about how to be.
2. You will be angry! My mom had been sick for over 10 years when she passed away and the majority of her ailments were avoidable! It started out as cervical cancer, and the doctors told my mom that some of her organs may fuse because of the chemo (and they did), and to follow-up to avoid any complications. She did not follow-up. So one day some of her organs burst, and that was the beginning of the end. She was constantly sick and she constantly had infections (some of which the doctors were fascinated to see in a human). She rejected physical therapy and was terrible about taking antibiotics, but she never missed a dose of pain medication. I was so angry that she didn't fight harder! If only she had followed up with her doctor, if only she had taken her antibiotics, if only she wasn't dependent on pain medication. She gave up and I'm so angry about that. I have also been dealing with anger because I didn't go to visit my family the week prior, which I was supposed to do. I had even requested the days off from work and had them approved; but a coworker of mine wanted to go see her family. So I stayed behind and worked those days and let my coworker go see her family. To this day, I feel robbed of what would have been the last time I would've seen my mom alive.
3. Alcohol will not fix your problems. Sure, at first it may help to numb you out, but it will only delay your grieving process and it may become a bigger issue. My mom died in March of 2020, and one week later I lost my job because of the COVID-19 pandemic. So when I went home after the funeral, I came home to a feeling of emptiness and nothing to distract me from my pain. I drank all day every day for months. I gained 20 pounds in 6 months and developed prehypertension. My depression, combined with grief and an excessive amount of alcohol, became so severe that I was contemplating my own life. It wasn't until I got sober that I even started to deal with my grief.
4. Your brain will do its best to protect you. For me this meant almost a complete emotional disconnection from memories of my mother. I have the memories, but seeing those memories in my mind's eye is like watching a movie. The memories don't feel like they're mine, they feel like someone else's memories. It has taken a lot for me to not feel like a horrible person because of this. I've had to recognize that this derealization is a survival mechanism that I have absolutely no control over. My brain has also tried to rationalize this incomprehensible tragedy to me. In the beginning, I had thoughts that it was better that my mom had died because if she was still alive, she most likely would've contracted COVID-19 in the hospital and would've died slow, alone, and scared.
5. There's no shame in asking for help. I've had to overcome complicated feelings surrounding therapy and psychiatry because of experiences that I had earlier in life. I have had to accept that I have severe depression that was only exacerbated by my grief. I was stuck and I wasn't moving forward or dealing with anything until this past month. I've learned to be gentle with myself and have been trying my best to understand my own brain. I also started antidepressants which is ok and something that is of benefit to me! I've started moving forward and have started writing about my experiences, which has been helpful to both myself and others. In group therapy and on Instagram I have found a community of people going through similar situations who have helped me to not feel so alone in my grief journey, a journey that can often feel incredibly isolating.
About Abby
”Hi, my name is Abby. On March 9, 2020 my mom, Jeanne, passed away suddenly. I had been at work for about an hour when my sister sent me a message saying that our mom had no pulse. Before completely freaking myself out I called my dad, who sounded extremely worried. He said that things didn't look good, which took me by surprise because she had been in the hospital so many times before. It's something that we as a family had become accustomed to. I completely broke down in the hallway of my office building because I had that sinking feeling that she wasn't going to make it. The general manager of my company was nice enough to buy my train ticket (which I would not have been able to afford on my own) back home. While I was on the train, I saw graffiti on a building that said "RIP Mom," and I knew that the universe was sending me a message. Then, exactly one week later, I found out that everyone from my job had been furloughed because of COVID-19. These unfortunate circumstances catapulted me on a journey of grief, pain, substance abuse, and then ultimately healing, sobriety, and more grief. I am so thankful for all the people who I've met and developed friendships with along the way; and I'm thankful for the ability to keep my mom's memory alive here on IG.”
You can follow Abby on Instagram, @thesobergaygriever
