**By Alison Clark, whose son died at 4.5 days old due to medical negligence**

I want to go back to the 4.5 days I had with my son alive. Even though that would mean going back to the trauma of being at the hospital and re-living that world shattering time. I would give all the pain imaginable (and, as the baby loss community knows, a lot of unimaginable pain) to spend those few days with him again.
I worry about him. I obviously don't know what/if anything happens after death but I spend a lot of my time worrying that, if something exists, he could be cold or sad or lonely. I do what I can to make that not so. The parenting instinct doesn't die. The love doesn't die.
The worst part wasn't when he died. I still got to hold him then and was basking in the gloriousness of him; my fresh born son. The worst part is the realisation that I will live my whole life with him dead. I still don't really get that.
Even though I have had two other children since my son was born and died, I struggle to be around pregnant people. I am jealous that they will likely get to keep that which was taken away from me. I don't want their babies; I want my baby I didn't get to keep.
I am always desperate for other mums at baby groups to ask me if I have more kids other than my beautiful twin toddlers. But I am also always terrified of their reaction and worried that if they reply awkwardly it will leave me feeling exposed and like I let down my part of an unsaid social contract. I will never deny my son but I may omit that he died if my heart cannot take it that day.

Five Things I've learned about carrying on living after my son died, by Alison Clark.

About Alison Clark
”My name is Alison Clark and my first child was born on 8.3.17. He was a completely healthy boy called Sebastian (Sebby) but died from lack of oxygen during birth due to medical negligence. He died in mine and my husband's arms 4.5 days later when we decided to stop the life support machine. So much goodness is being done in his name through #thankyouSebby. I live in the suburbs of London with my lovely husband and my gorgeous twin boys.”
You can follow Alison on Instagram, @thankyousebby.

Five Things is a collection of the five things our collaborators want you to know about life, death and everything in between. Over the next few months, we’ll be covering illness, dying, death, funerals, grief, heartache, adversity and many other topics. If you’d like to write your own Five Things, please get in touch.