By Alexandra Utting, whose father died just 10 months after her grandfather died
I like to talk about the memories. Many people don’t like to bring up any of the males that I have lost in my life in the past six years, or if I bring them up they seem to change the subject quickly to avoid it. I could talk about the memories with my dad, grandad and uncle for hours but people are awkward with these conversations. I have now learned to take pride and not be ashamed in speaking about them and my memories.
If somebody else is going through loss, I feel it. Ever since losing somebody close to me I have struggled to cope with my friends, family and even colleagues losing somebody close to them. I struggle to attend funerals at the same crematorium at which I said my last goodbyes to my dad and grandad. I feel the heartache that other people are currently feeling inside.
I celebrate them - birthdays, Father’s Day, Christmas, and the anniversary of losing them. Even though these days are hard and emotional I try to celebrate the wonderful life that my dad, grandad and uncle all led in the many years they had.
I miss sharing my milestones. Every time I hit a milestone in my teen life I would call my dad, like the day I received my GSCE results, and passed my driving test. All I wanted to do when I got my ‘real’ job, and the day I picked my keys up for my own house, was to call and share this with my dad. I miss him seeing me do well.
Always tell people you love that you love them. As a moody teenager it wasn’t ‘cool’ to tell my family members that I love them, but reaching the age of 15 I realised that it didn’t matter if it wasn’t cool, and every night I said ‘goodnight, love you’ to my dad and every time I had a conversation with my grandad or uncle I made sure I told them I loved them, because you don’t know when the last time you will be able to say it or hear it from them. I would give anything for one more conversation.
About Alexandra Utting
”Hi, I’m Alexandra. At the age of 16 I experienced my first family loss to cancer, my grandad, I was devastated. I learnt how to cope with the grief and the day after my grandad’s funeral my dad had a major operation to treat his stomach cancer. Just 10 months later my dad sadly lost his battle with cancer after nearly 18 months of fighting. I had lost the closet two male figures in my life within 10 months of each other. Now 6 years later, I am losing my uncle to the same disease, he has had 6 long years of fighting, but there is only so much fighting that can be done. I now have no male figures in my life and I feel that a part of me is missing.”
You can follow Alexandra on Instagram, @alexandrautting
