62 short years on this earth but boy did she live each day with kindness and compassion. My mom overcame more obstacles than most. She had overcome two previous unrelated cancers, a melanoma and breast cancer. She powered through chemo and came out the other side with an unparalleled zest for life. Her most recent diagnosis of pancreatic cancer came like a blow on the 21st December 2018. It was caught too late. She was immediately told it was terminal. Mom chose to try chemo and took every opportunity to live that the doctors could give her. When the treatment didn’t work she was given 3-6 months. Five days later she died. I know she made the choice to go then. We only had three months from the day of diagnosis to death. She was ready but we weren’t. Sometimes bravery isn’t about holding on, it’s about letting go. You were so brave Mom, the bravest person I’ve ever known. I love you forever.
Here are the Five Things I’ve learned since losing my wonderful mom to cancer:
Life will never be the same. As dramatic as it sounds, it’s true. How can it not be true? When you lose someone so important it has a profound impact on how you live the rest of your life. The choices you make, the paths you follow, all stem from the loss. You become braver, more stubborn and unwilling to settle for anything less than living your very best life because you know what it means to not live so you want to make sure you live for both of you.
Some people show up for you and some don’t. And that’s ok. Keep hold of the ones who do, be it emotionally or physically. Cut loose the ones who couldn’t offer you their time, their love or their support. They will never understand. You have a lot less ‘friends’ but the ones you have are all you need.
Sounds and smells can be more special than visuals. When I go to my family home I creep into Mom’s wardrobe and smell her pyjama top. It’s been washed, it’s clean but it still smells of her. I miss her smell, I crave it. I have some voice memos and videos but I wish I’d taken more videos. Photos are special but a voice can bring someone back to life. Hearing her laugh soothes my soul.
It’s the everyday things that are the hardest. Of course birthdays, Mother’s Day and anniversaries are difficult but it’s the morning text, the multiple Facetimes a day and the goodnight ‘I love you lots like jelly tots’ that leave the biggest hole. My drive home from work is so much emptier now.
Life and death are beautiful things. You cannot have one without the other. She welcomed me into this world and I am forever honoured to have held her hand as she left it. To me, death, while heartbreaking it seemed peaceful, calm and there was so much love. It’s the end of suffering. It’s what comes next that is the hardest- the grief.
