By Victoria Thorpe, whose dad died in February 2019 at the age of 85
The guilt. The crippling guilt that creeps up for the mean things I said in the past when I was an arrogant teenager. For not having the time to apologise for the past. There’s so much I still had to say and things I wanted to ask. I also feel guilt for the grief I have for my dad. He died an old man - he had a colourful, adventurous and full life, and did so much. He didn’t die young or in an unexpected way, but somehow this sense of guiltiness still bothers me.
The loneliness. That first second when your whole world does a complete 360, the messages filled with love and support come flooding through. To be honest, you are so numb, none of it goes in. Nothing can fix what’s just happened. As the weeks and months pass by, the grief really sets in but the messages get fewer. I pushed myself to go to hen parties, weddings, social gatherings to feel a part of something but in fact I've never felt so lonely.
The darkness & anxiety. Darkness is the only way I can explain the days where getting out of bed was an enormous task in itself, when all you want to do really is stay there and be forgotten about. The sadness and anxiousness at times would hit me with an almighty force, everything was just simply dark. Wherever I was, whatever I was doing, the weight of this darkness was always there on my shoulders as I tried to get on with "life" as my dad laid in a cold dark box in the ground. The physical pain in my heart fucking hurts!
Fridays and Saturdays will never be the same. As the end of the working week draws in and the "Happy Friday" emails pop up, a sense of dread fills my body. My dad passed away late Friday evening on the 1st of Feb 2019, and I got the shattering call early Saturday morning. I never feel excited for a Friday or the weekend like I did pre-loss of Dad. So when everyone around you is excited for the weekend, I want to scream. But nope, I draw on that smile and nod politely.
I didn’t want to say goodbye to 2019. As each day passes, the longer it has been since I last saw Dad, gave him a hug, heard his voice. The frenzy of going into a new year and decade everywhere you turned - TV, radio, social media, it’s relentless! I was not interested. I wanted time to stand still and I didn’t want to say goodbye to the year that I had to say goodbye to my dad.
About Victoria Thorpe
”It’s coming up to the first anniversary of losing my incredible dad. He died on Friday 1st of February 2019 at the ripe old age of 85 and he was at home with my mum by his side. My dad had the early signs of Alzheimers in my late teens and as he got older and less mobile, it was getting worse. I always thought, because of the Alzheimers I've learnt what it’s like to lose some of him, so I won’t feel the grief so much. It’s turned my world upside down and brought up emotions and thoughts I've never felt before. Cruse Bereavement Care has given me the time and space to really explore these feelings and the support I've needed. I'm so grateful for what they've done for me.”
