By Rosy Blyther, whose dad (pictured above) died from cancer in May 2019
1. Kindness is powerful
I’ve never been more aware of the importance of kindness than in the moments after my dad’s death, and for the months following. From healthcare professionals we met for a brief time, to friends we’ve known a lifetime, the kindness we experienced made those incredibly dark days that little bit brighter. I am so grateful for such kindness, and try to pass the baton on in my daily life wherever and whenever I can.
2. Everything can change in an instant
From the call I got from my family telling me that my dad had months to live, to the moment my dad passed away, the entire experience showed me how everything really can change in a split second. That the unimaginable can actually happen. And yet you still stand. And whilst each day is as difficult as the last, you learn how to adapt, and live through it, and make it out the other side.
3. Let yourself feel whatever it is that you feel
Grief is a strange old beast, and it baffles me how it grows and shrinks and morphs and changes. But what I’ve learnt is to give in to whatever I am feeling and simply let myself be. Feeling happy at the funeral? Fine. Sobbing your heart out at the smell of a passing strangers cologne that reminds you of your dad? Also fine. Laughing at memories? Also totally fine. Grief pops up in the most unexpected of places, and can even be absent in the most obvious ones. There are no ‘should’s’ with grief; what ever you feel, let yourself feel. It is all normal, and it is all ok.
4. Nature is a gift
I am very lucky to have access to a myriad of beautiful nature spots to visit. The ocean in particular has been my medicine. Dunking my head under the freezing cold water helps me to ground myself, feel alive, and remind myself that I am part of a world that is much bigger than me. It enables me to find perspective when I feel like the ground is swallowing me whole. Even little things like the warm feeling of the sun on your face, the smell of rain during a run in the woods; it not only helps with mindfulness, but helps you find little joys when at times it feels like there is none to be found. Try and get outside in nature whenever you can, take a deep breath, and ground yourself in the world.
5. Say I love you, often
The night before my dad died, I gave him a hug and a kiss and I told him I loved him. And for that I am so incredibly grateful. But there are also many things I left unsaid that will sit with me, uncomfortably, without ever being able to talk to him about them. My lesson is to not only always say I love you when you feel it and when you mean it, but also to be open and honest with people; tell them how much they mean to you and how wonderful they are, have those conversations you’ve been putting off, ask the questions you’ve been meaning to ask. Life really is too short to put them off, or let them go unsaid.
About Rosy Blyther
”My name is Rosy and I am 29 years old. My father, Terry, passed away last May at the age of 60, one month after having celebrated his 60th birthday (where he drank champagne all day like an absolute superstar). I miss him so much.
After many years experiencing and overcoming cancer numerous times, my dad was given a terminal diagnosis last February, and had passed away by late May. He truly was the life and the soul of every room he was in, and I miss how much fun and silliness we had together and how much he made me laugh. We are never short of hilarious tales and memories that continue to be shared by his friends, and are so thankful for the ones we get to look back on as family. I never knew I could experience such pain when he died and I cannot believe it has been nearly a year since he passed. What this past year has taught me is that grief is a funny old thing - it can knock you for six like a tidal wave, or can settle softly like calm waves rippling against the shore, and you'll never know which it will be on any given day.”
