By Laura Hawkins, whose dad and four year old niece died from cancer
The physical feeling of grief is like no other. Even now I find it hard to describe that pain. It can feel like your heart is going to stop, like you are waiting for it to just stop beating. Sometimes I wished it would. Saying to someone ‘I can imagine how you feel’ is not possible until you have experienced it, because no imagination can prepare you for that level of physical pain. It is as physical as a migraine or a broken bone, yet it is accompanied by mental pain too.
Grief is powerful. It has the ability to consume you completely, yet leave you empty at the same time. It can make you feel numb one second, and within moments have you crying uncontrollably on the floor. When you feel numb, you feel guilty for not crying, and when you are crying you feel you should get it together. It is crippling, and relentless.
If you lose hope, you have lost everything. Never underestimate the importance of that four letter word. With a terminal diagnosis hope eventually will feel harder to find, so instead you hope for different things. Such as hope to get through the day, for loved ones’ pain to be under control, for them to be peaceful. You hope for better days.
It is so important to celebrate small wins. Sometimes just getting out of bed and brushing your teeth is an achievement. Making plans In advance can be daunting. Planning day by day can be easier and can remove the pressure. Good people understand if you need to cancel plans (which I have done many times). The bestest friends are the ones who continue to check in with you and expect nothing back. They let you know they are here for you, and you really need to know that they are.
I learnt that posting pictures, talking about them, having lots of photos of them around my house makes me feel closer to them. It makes me feel I am doing a good job of keeping their memory alive. I post lots of pictures of my life and my loved ones because my experience of life is that it can change in the blink of an eye. I have never heard anyone say that they regret taking lots of memories of their family. I will forever live for my dad and beautiful niece.
About Laura Hawkins
”My name is Laura. I live in the Shropshire countryside with my boyfriend Dave and our two dogs and two cats. I am a psychiatric nurse for the NHS. When I was 24 I lost my incredible dad to oesophageal cancer and it crushed me. More recently at 32, I lost my utterly amazing niece to brain cancer. She was four years old. Both these losses have been life changing and excruciating. One day I would love to write a blog on my experience with grief, as writing has been something to help me navigate my way with the ups and downs of losing my two special people. I will also be looking to raise awareness of the incredible work of Acorns Children's Hospice.”
You can follow Laura on Instagram, @hawkle12
